Sunday, January 8, 2012

LuCy & ANOTHER BFN.................. obviously.

Hello lovelies

So here I am another day and another BFN. Iv come to expect it now, its just another day and nothing out of the ordinary for me. Mars was wonderfully supportive of me yesterday and I couldnt have asked for a more supportive, loving and caring Husband.

I know lots of woman out there are hoping for their BFP moment as am I, But this is hard. Its raining right now and the weather sets the tone for my mood. Not in an ugly stormy sota way, more like a placid gentle rain thats not overly hysterical or upset, simply constant and low. The flowers in my beds in the garden are lapping up the big wet drops and are looking so beautiful, I look out on the soft wet landscape and feel present, not hysterical or weepy, just present.

Last month i felt angry and filled with envy of all those that just had their BFP's, but this time i just feel like a walking zombie, i dont feel like crying or talking to anyone, i dont feel angry, i am simply not feeling. Im just being.

Yesterday I spent most of the day sleeping off most of my meds until eventually I had to get up to attend a birthday party. I arrived and was present, I dont think I added much to the conversation, and lots of people asked why i was sick? I simply answered with my usual ''Im just not feeling well'" and most people catch the hint that I dont want to go into my full story. My brother attended the event with Leigh and Michaela, My heart grew full watching them walk through the door at the indoor karting venue, They know me and i dont have to say anything or explain my mood.

Tomorrow will be another day and I will brave the world and be my bubbly self again. Another Month of hope I guess.

Welcome to 2012, not hysterical, not weepy, not angry, not envious............. Just present.

With all my love


  1. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I too, struggled getting pregnant with my daughter. We have already been trying for over a year for #2. It is so hard when everyone around you is getting pregnant and leaving you behind. I pray for you a blessing soon!

  2. Hi Lauren, thank you so much for the kind words, you have no idea how encouraging it is to read comments like this, especially during the tough times. Looking forward to reading your blog and connecting more often. xoxox