So lately iv been so consumed with Pinterest, home decor and DIY that i feel like iv kind of forgotten my personal edge to my blog. Who am kidding really, I try to forget my irritations but really im just hiding them away so i dont have to deal with them or face reality. So today its not a ranting session or even a sad post day, its just touching base and opening up to all of you that read and care about me ( Did i mention i love my followers)
Today is a new month and the same old BFN. Im not surprised any more and to be honest i begin to not really care about it, perhaps its because im now so callous that it just doesnt bother me. Pregnancy announcements and baby showers are not hard to endure and im just at peace. I love my life, I love my husband and family, and my longing for a child will never just dissappear. This past weekend while working with 25 gorgeous children, a small boy took a bit of a tumble. He slowly stood up, tears staining his cheeks and eagerly looked around for his Mama, his eyes frantically searched for his comfort zone. I knelt down and spread my arms open and he climbed onto my lap and into my heart. His small arms clutched at my shirt as he sobbed into my neck and I felt Love, and warmth. His small body fit perfectly in my arms and I loved every moment spent with this little stranger. When the moment ended and he managed to catch his breathe he squeezed me tight and jumped down to go play, and he was gone. The trip home left me feeling, just feeling. My thoughts always glide me back to the same thing, "Will I always just be a substitute Mama?". Perhaps this is the reason I am so calous now, iv thought it through so often that it just doesnt hit home as much as it used to, but trust me its still there.
I was scrolling through my Ipod and came across this song, its old and perhaps a little cheesy, but it certainly describes my feelings and thoughts toward infertilty and those going through it. There is a line that says "you're just so pretty in your pain", and isnt that so true..... Here we are, gorgeous woman with the world at our feet and yet we are masking terrible pain caused by infertilty. Take a listen if your part of the infertility bloggers.
I want to get to a point where this horrible thing "will never hurt me again". I know this post has been a little disjointed....... but i hope you understand.
With all my love