Tuesday, June 28, 2011

HoPeS Of HaPpInEsS aNd TiNy ToEs.......

Hello Lovelies

So this post is a little more dynamic, a little more deep and hopefully something that other girls can relate to with me. I know it’s been all fashion and style up to this point, but I want this blog to be more in depth. I want to share experiences and my journey, and hear about yours too.

It’s been a while since I last posted, the honest truth is that I have been wound up in myself lately, which I guess is not the nicest thing to say, but I think everyone deserves to be a little selfish at times. With my husband and I only recently getting back up on our feet I have spent the last little while reflecting on how I want my life to pan out and where I want to be. No one ever knows exactly where we are heading or how it’s going to turn out in the long run but I think we all have a small idea as to how we want to live. I often see people putting themselves into categories, some are the "career orientated hot shots" others are the”: fun loving art types", but me I don’t know. If you had to ask me 5 years ago I would probably hit u back with my dreams of being an insane fashion designer, who wanted to be travelling and partying as much as I could. As I grew up I realised that things dont always pan out as well as you think they do, I went to fashion school and realised that while I excelled in design lectured I failed miserably in the practical side. I changed varsities and went to my new college with a serious cocky attitude, which would ultimately be my downfall. All I did that year was party hard, drink and make no attempt at lectures. I knew ultimately that I was letting myself down.

When I met my husband, my life changed. He taught me to pick myself up when I was completely down in the dumps with no ambition and make something of myself. I started working at a wonderful company, with fantastic people, the kind of people you treat like family.

So this is where I was in my life, I had just got married to the most amazing precious man, I was doing well in my job, as was he, and we lived in a gorgeous little flat that was filled with sunlight and the pitter patter of our lovely little kitten, Chloe. Life was wonderful, we had a great social life and wonderful family, and I was finally at a point where I was content.

Marsden was enjoying his job and we both were lapping all the success life had to offer. Marsden had a change of management in his company and we both didn’t take too much notice of it, until a few months in. You know the type of person who makes your lie and day to day duties a living hell, well Marsden's new manager was just that person. In time Marsden and I were at each other’s throats every night, and my poor husband was just as miserable as he could be in his job. Eventually, he couldn’t take another day and handed in his resignation.

Our whole world tumbled as we packed up our sunny apartment, for which we could not afford and move into my in laws home. While all this was happening, I was trying to be the best support possible to my mom, my best friend (who had just tragically lost her mom to cancer) and most importantly be a support to my husband, who I love more than anything and want to be a good wife too.

There we were, newlyweds, packed into a room, with no idea where we were heading or what we were going to do. Chloe hated the other animals and took, what seemed like forever to settle in. I felt just like her, I also had to adjust to be confined and in a different surrounding. Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love and admire my in laws, they took us in with open arms, put food in our mouths and a roof over our heads, but this was a big change!

We kept telling ourselves that this was only temporary, which it was. But what is temporary, is it a month? two? six? This we simply could not answer. All the plans we seemed to have previously seem to fade very quickly on our one salary a month situation. We had to accept this and realise that we could get through. It’s never easy to live in such a confined space, you and your husband are living on top of each other and I found myself making a straight dash from the shower to the room in my towel without bumping into anyone. I would often sit on the bed and think............... "This is hard".

It’s been 8 months now, and finally we are looking for a place to stay again. It’s coming up to our first year anniversary and I can’t believe what a roller coaster ride the first year of marriage has been. We save every penny we can, even to the point of not planning any celebrations for our one year because we need every dime for a deposit on a house. Now I don’t want you to think this is a sob story, think of it more as a testimony, and a true reflection of "you don’t know what you got till it’s gone". I am not writing this so you sit there thinking, shame! No I write this because I want every person to realise that you should never take anything for granted. Its also a true testimony to the saying "when it rains it pours", not only did we have all this happen at once I also got struck with my wisdom teeth getting infected and pushing through and going through a couple doctor’s appointments, which were not so serious up until recently.

I will just get into the long and short of it, after a visit to one of those "special" doctors; Marsden and I were encouraged to start trying for a baby immediately, also to go for a laparoscopy to check if everything was in working order. At the age of 23 this is not the kind of thing you want to hear, all of a sudden everything comes into play........ We have not bought a house, we have not travelled, and we have not even bought a dog or put up a white picket fence. We don’t have a penny to our names and here we are, being encouraged to have a baby.....as the chances are only going to get slimmer as I get older. All I knew was this, initially it was drizzling, then it started to rain, and now im in a hail storm.

I can’t tell you the type of emotion you feel when you get news like this, especially if you wanted kids.....one day. I knew one emotion that was burning brightly in my heart, ENVY!  I looked around at many people pushing prams and carrying children, I watched families drive into driveways of happy homes, and I felt green. I simply couldn’t help it; it came over me like a bucket of water over my head! In the last couple of days it has slowly started to subside but it’s something I still struggle with. There is probably a chance that we could be 30 and still have a child but there could also be complete infertility! So what do you do, this is a BIG choice!??? One thing for sure is WE NEED TO HAVE FAITH NOW MORE THAN EVER!

This post is not about style or fashion; it’s not about a trendy designer or a gorgeous new bag. It’s just the story of a girl who loves her husband with everything she has to give, and who desperately wants to be a mother one day.

Ladies or whoever is out there reading this silly little blog. If there is one thing I can say or advise you on, it’s this: Don’t spend your life wishing for something more, we live today, this is what we have right now. Why long for the good old days, when the future is lapping at your feet and the wind is fresh at your back pushing you into new opportunities. Remember that when you feel you’re lowest, it can get worse, but once you have got over that hump, you will enjoy all the joys that this world has to offer. It’s never the end of the world, although believe me it feels like it.

I hope I leave you feeling a little more inspired about your day!

With all my love