My lovelies
The title says it all, I don’t mean to be rude but this piece is going to be completely self centered and emotional, it’s going to drip with self loathing and have sudden erratic outbursts of anger. If you feel you can handle it go right ahead and continue reading, if not then I suggest you head over to a blog that will make you smile but as of now this is what's up.........
Weeks have passed and I haven’t had the chance to write a single thing for I love Lucy, How the eff do most women manage to write every day? perhaps it’s my loaded schedule and the fact that I haven’t had one day off in almost two months, perhaps it’s my constant need to make things happen for others and often neglect myself, or maybe it’s just that I am infact a pretty useless blogger and I just can’t keep up, it may be none but honestly I can’t seem to write as often as most.
Today is probably not the best day to write, but heck here I am spilling my heart out to the few that read this, quite pathetic really. Have I really become one of those girls that moan all the way through my blog posts, boring every reader to tears? Well I certainly am today.
Between trying to run a part time business, a full time job and still be a dedicated wife, daughter, sister, best friend and all round good mate........... I seem to be failing somewhere.
My business has seen me at the Johannesburg Zoo since the beginning of Nov and when I have the chance I sit back and watch the woman walk by, some pregnant, some not, some with kids and others with families, some girls are young and other are older.... and there I sit covered in paint... hair in a pony... longing, wishing, waiting. Envying their content smiles and glances of Love and adoration at little faces that peer up at them in pure joy. What happened to Mars and I's thoughts of kids, it seems to be a distant thought now that my business has taken off and why? I don’t understand how we forgot about the fact that we are against a running hourglass and with every moment the sand runs finer and quicker than the moment before. June saw us in complete shock at the news of problems with fertility, and here we are blissfully walking on with our lives forcing the issue to the back of the closet. Do we think it’s going to go away? Or magically cure it overnight? We keep saying our day will come, Will it? Will it come when we have completely abandoned these hopes? I just don’t understand....... We had this big plan, a plan we intended sticking too and both of us just sit back and pretend like everything will be ok. Our life seems to have taken this whole new direction, working with kids day in and day out. Have we adopted the cute little critters as our own because the work and effort and pain of trying for one is just not worth it and filling our days with moments with other peoples children is enough to give us a small amount of satisfaction, until the days draw to a close and there we both are, without child, pretending that its ok.
There was a point in this past month that we started to believe that I may be pregnant, who were we kidding? The symptoms all pointed to the same thing, my period was coming and no amount of pretending would turn that into a baby. But it was nice, it was nice to think that maybe.....just maybe it may be true (I knew it wasnt, but i liked pretending)
There is a woman who writes a blog called Broxton Baby; I read her work for ages, their journey with infertility and the process of trying to become pregnant. One day she wrote a post entitled "end of the road". my heart broke for as she called it quits in front of everyone, bearing her soul and completely exposing herself, She hasn’t written since. I don’t blame her. Every woman who has ever suffered with pain, discomfort or struggles to fall pregnant will know that at some point you will feel like you want to give up, and for some of us we do..... I know that this is not "the end of the road" for me but heck today is not my day.
I need a break and the fact that i missed my holiday because I fell violently ill with a kidney and bladder infection all at once (which i still believe is from my pathetic immune system which roots from my pathetic useless fertility issue) is really pissing me off today. Other reasons to be completely pissed: loss of major amounts of work because of a server swap over and the fact that I am still in mega amounts of pain.
there you have it girls, raw and unscripted and straight from the horses mouth as they say, I am feeling very sad and very emotional. I don't drink but I swear i could down a bottle of Rose right now with my best friend Ash, who subsequently broke up with her BF this past week, Life's is a bitch.
If you read this and got to the end and had a puddle of drool under your chin from boredom, my sincere apologies... but if you feel the same then cheers. Go buy some Icecream, a bottle of wine and a movie like the notebook and drown them sorrows. heres Hoping tommorrow ill be as right as rain and back to my old self.
The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar....... eff this. Im out.
With a heart that beats lumpy custard, all my love
